End of the First Semester and its Results (so far)

the library building on campus

Yay! The first semester at uni has ended, all assessments are handed in; all I have now is the wait for the results.
This week is a reading week and the following one is a SONVA winter festival and we'll have loads of workshops and inductions that are mandatory. For the reading week we've been given some texts to read before the module starts after two weeks. These texts are basically about linguistics, semiotic language, signs and pre-symbolic meanings in the culture and art. Heavy stuff. Especially when my first language is not English, but it's the day number two and I'm already halfway through! YAY for me!!

I also had to write an essay 2500-3000 words long. If I get a good mark, I'll be MORE than glad!
Below I am sharing a song I had to mix for Creative Recording, Production and Performance module at the uni. We've been put into all female and all male bands (all female ones don't work... seriously) and we had to write one song, record and make our own version of the song with DAW (digital audio workstation) software and we write a supporting documentation (1000 words) about the creative use of technology ans the process of the song-writing. Mixing was hard as the girl whose vocals I used could not sing properly, so I had to split almost every word and make the lower notes sound louder. Tiring! But yeah, hopefully my tutors will like this.

Bragging About Hardships

SPOILER ALERT: yes, I will rant in this post.

Basically, my flatmate in the student halls talked about this one girl from her school who is constantly updating her Facebook status with posts about how hard her life was and what difficulties she has experienced. This somehow inspired me to philosophize and write something new. Clearly, she may be one of those who are boasting about hard times they have had just to have more sympathy and be more popular, and I clearly understand the meaning behind this (I will not further discuss this in the post, maybe later).

HOWEVER, as a person who's been (and still is) put through quite a few hard times in life (which I won't discuss) I do not see the concept behind being proud of your hardships. YES, you can talk about it for your self-counselling as it makes it feel easier to cope with.
But there is a difference between talking to people you trust and random strangers on the internet.
I do not know what point I am going to make, but in my case, I tend to keep things to myself and open up when people are willing to hear my story, not shove everything down their throats whether they want this or not.

Maybe the 'essay long' post by that girl about her life story made me question the meaning behind talking about hardships out loud, make it public.

I understand mentioning it a couple of times, but not everyday. People will get tired and think of a person as another attention seeker...

I do believe someday I will be able to talk about what was (and is) happening in my life out loud, but I would not do it the way the girl is doing.. If I speak up, I would make everything count, to rise awareness, or for another reason. Well, I am actually already expressing my inner thoughts through music and art. So I am one step closer to speaking up. Time will tell..

I would end this rant now before it gets out of hand

Bye!
S.x

I Have Survived Another Xmas

YES! I have nearly survived my 19th Christmas! Good one.

Just before Christmas I had my wisdom tooth extracted. My face was swollen, I couldn't eat and it hurt like hell. But I was fine on the 25th. Call it Christmas miracle, if you want.

Today I finished taking my antibiotics prescribed after the surgery. 

This meant only one thing - BEER AND CORNISH PASTIES (the ones I brought home from the UK).

I suddenly felt weird when I realized that in one week's time I'll be back in the UK. 

S.x

Leaving Home Country

My flight is tomorrow at 7:40 (LT time) in the morning.
I'm sort of scared. Maybe it's because of the sudden changes. Or just a general fear that disappears once I've reached the destination.
So, at 9 in the morning (UK time) I'll be in Bristol airport. So, if by any chance you'll be there as well, go ahead and say hi to me! This obviously won't happen, but anyways...

The next post will be from the UK.

..and here are some photos of my hometown I took a few weeks ago.

... and the song is SO SEXY <3

Where Is My Mind?

I know I've been absent though I sort of promised to post more frequently.
I've been procrastinating, thinking about my life, or sometimes even avoiding to think altogether.
I've been accepted at Falmouth university, booked a flight, train tickets, hotel,... Almost everything is done, I only have to wait to be accepted to live on campus.
People would say what's wrong with me then.
I wish I could know.
Maybe the fear of the future has something to do with this, yet my feelings are blunted.
My course starts on 23rd September, so I have one month left to be here. But I think getting out of my home country would improve my life somehow. Don't ask me how.

School times. Remembered

With the celebration of my school graduation day (or a prom), I've decided to share some of the photos taken during those twelve school years.

Unfortunately, there aren't THAT many photos (unlike some of my classmates' facebook photo albums, ha ha!) - those years weren't always the easiest for me, so I didn't have an intention to memorize them all. But I'm glad I've survived. Somewhat.

To be honest, I didn't want to go to the event but I had to take my graduation diploma so that I can send its photocopy to my university. The whole event is mostly about boasting; it's a paradise for show-offs and pretenders. Despite them, I did enjoy the event.

AND most importantly I'VE FINALLY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL!!!!

So here are the photos:

My first year at my first school. I'm the tallest one in the last row

A photo of my ex classmate and me at my first school
when I was fifteen, or something...
This one's embarrassing...

The same year. Took all those when I was in the artistic mood. And YES, my first school looked like that before the renovation.

Halloween at my new school, 2011. I was a make-up artist of the event.

A photo from Song and Dance festival in 2012

Photos from another 'being inspired at school' series.

These are the photos of the 'Last Bell' celebration. It's basically a day when an event is held for senior highs, during which everyone is crying and continuously reminding you that you're old, and those times spent at school will never come back. I felt weird when everyone around me was crying their eyes out while I didn't. Why would I cry? For leaving a place where I didn't feel good? No, thanks!

A photo of my class, obviously...

The first page of yearbook of 89th graduates and teachers.

Yesterday's photos

FUCK YEAH!!!

With my lovely sister

Afterparty

That's all from me for now!

Take care.x

Musical Guilty (Secret) Pleasures

We all have some. Even I do.
It's strange that something we like must be hidden and/or we are ashamed of telling others about them. Probably this keeps us going - it's as same as when we were children and had our own so-called 'Secret Places' no-one knew. Maybe it's because of the thrill we get when we are secretive and have something nobody knows about.
Although, we shouldn't be ashamed of our likes no matter how weird or awkwardly disturbing they are. Because only the odds make a person an unique individual.
So, I thought it's time for me to open up a bit and reveal some of my more 'normal' guilty musical pleasures out of my countless list (I'll keep others to myself, though), and if you want, you can share your musical guilty pleasures, too.

1. Metal/Trash Metal. I absolutely love these genres. But somehow I cannot find the gut to admit that...
The song in my mind: Lost Society - Kill (Those Who Oppose Me).

2. Limp Bizkit. It's weird, because I don't like Nu-Metal, but this band... A total guilty pleasure. I love headbanging while listening to these aggressively energetic songs.
The song in my mind: Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff.

3. Wild Beasts. I got hooked on them after 'Brave Bulging Buoyant Clairvoyants'. They are amazing, yet everyone don't like them, or at least don't know them. Their lyrics... the music and the frontman's voice... amazing.
The song in my mind: Wild Beasts - Bed of Nails.

4. Tom Waits. Honestly, it's not a guilty pleasure, but some people don't seem to understand him. The song 'Christmas Card Fromm A Hooker In Minneapolis' and so does the rest of the songs always give me a weird feeling  that makes me want to sit in an old fashioned wingback chair in front of a fireplace, with a glass of bourbon in one hand and with a cigarette in another, and listen to his music playing in the background. Weirdly, I somehow like this feeling... His songs are deep and sad; he definitely speaks for those whose voices aren't heard...
The song in my mind: Tom Waits - I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You.


This is goodnight, Vienna from Simona...
Take care!x

Dusk Is Like A Dagger

'Dusk is like a dagger that suffocates our lives '

I don't know why, but I somewhat like 80s darkwave music. So deep and dark, yet beautifully inspiring.
This song reminds me of long sleepless summer nights spent philosophizing about the life. Even now I'm doing so. And I feel a huge urge to do something unusual with my life, something I would remember for a very long time. Sadly, I do not know what...

I love staying up all night as my favourite moment of the day is the time when night and morning collide - a time when you cannot say, if it's early morning or late night. When the town is in countless hues of grey, when I can hear and feel things I don't usually experience during the day, when the inspiration awakes, and the thought of being the only person who is not sleeping makes me feel a bit special.





Tonight I want to stay with you 
Tonight I want to play with you 
Tonight I want to dance with you 
Tonight I want to lie with you tonight 

New Blog's Background And New Beginnings

With my very last exam I took yesterday, my very last school's summer holidays have practically started. All I need is to attend a graduation ceremony and receive my diploma. And that's it! I'm free from school forever.

So, with lots of free time, I decided to finally change blog's design. Nothing molto grande, but at least I've managed to change colour schemes alongside with font and, obviously, the background.
I have some ideas for future posts, and this summer might be quite prosperous time for the blog. I hope.

I've decided to start summer season by watching one of my favourite band's concert I haven't seen in ages. Therefore, I'm going to watch it right now.

Bye!x

Joe Strummer! FTW

My 100th Post

It's my 100th post and maybe this should be some kind of anniversary.

So many things have happened in four years time, and I feel old to be honest.
There are some posts still unpublished or reverted into drafts. Maybe they were too personal or the idea of publishing them seemed quite irrelevant after time.

In late 2009 when I started writing this blog, I was some middle-class teenager suffering from premature existential crisis, a girl whose existence didn't mean anything to others, a person who hoped for better. Back then, I wouldn't even thought that I'll become a person I am right now. I just wanted to have my own space where I could write my thoughts no matter who read this, no matter how awful my English was.

When I think, 100 posts in four years are too few. I hope when I move abroad later this year, my life will become more interesting and eventually I'll have some interesting topics or events to talk about.
Anyways, I'm glad I didn't forget this blog in four years and hopefully I never will.





You all say I've crossed the line 
But the sad fact is I've lost my mind

But I'm just getting started let me offend 
The devil's got nothing on me my friend 
All i want is to be left alone 
Attack from me is like blood from a stone.


Hugs,
Simona-Fuzz

Fate Up Against Your Will

Photo of soviet apartment block I took yesterday.

I've realized something I've been scared to say out loud. I need to get out of my hometown. The sooner the better. I cannot feel happy in here. However, it's a nice place. For a short annual visit only; to remember what made me who I am now, to feel the post-soviet spirit floating in the air and be around people who are always unhappy. Believe me, after almost 19 years of being in the same place makes you at least anxious, or dead inside, or both, or even worse. It's like a pond that says still and slowly turns into a swamp. It's not my best metaphor, to be honest. Maybe it's just me, and my peers are completely fine. But not me. I think my artistic nature is behind this. Artists think and over-think, they are more sensitive about things that are going on around them.

People here are still suffering from stereotypes and shadows of the past and for those like me it's really hard to fit in. Inevitably, different people will be misunderstood. I can say from my own experience, it is really hard to survive the pressure of a small town. Only the few make it. I have almost two months left and I'll say goodbye to school. I'll differ from others and won't suffer the existential crisis after graduating from school-I've suffered it when I was about 13 or so. Maybe I still am, or maybe no-one suffers that phenomenon at all. If so, then their lives are boring (no offence).

There Were Times....

Me and my sister in our blanket tent

...when we used to make houses, forts or tents out of blankets, bed sheets and other things we were able to find around us at home. We built them anywhere in our houses, or even outside if the weather was right.

...when our cats or dogs were our best friends who understood us like no-one else.

There were times when climbing into a tree was a no big deal; it was every kid's inevitable duty to do so.

We knew of no downfalls, the life was so simple and it was so easy to spark smiles in our faces. We were undamaged and didn't know how worse our lives can or will get in the future. It's funny how we all wanted to be grownups, and when we finally are, we don't really understand what's good about being one. Problems are equivalent to the age; they grow and get bigger as we grow.

Conclusion: I'm a nostalgic b*tch; I overthink and overphilosophize things.
Good for me.
This might be the result of my increased caffeine intake. OR I might be another Confucius, Hegel or Plato.
S. x

In My Dreams I'm There

I accidentally found this four-year-old song in the old archives of my mp3 player, it kept playing in my head and brought all the memories back, and, inevitably, I started philosophizing.


'I always hoped that I'd learn how to fly
In my dreams I'm there'


So many things have happened in my little life and I'm so busy that I've almost left behind everything related to my school and my routine filled life. I'll return to this reality later when I'll be able, or when I'll want to. I know It'll take a lot of time and even more effort to find some courage in myself to do so. Of course, my life hasn't been the easiest these weeks. But I'm not complaining. It just seems that the last year in this hometown is getting even harder week after a week.


'I'm only going where you'll be someday
So don't say "Rest in peace" in your prayers'


You may think I'm talking nonsenses. Reading back what I've written, It feels like nobody could understand what I'm talking about. It's more like a conversation with myself. With no hint of sense.
To be honest, every conversation seems senseless, sometimes, at some point of view.
I actually don't know whether or not should I publish this post.
I have so many secrets. Sometimes way too many. Only the people whom I truly trust know at least something more about me. I know this might be a bad thing, but I've been hurt way too many times before.

'I hope you remember me
I hope you never pretend for me'

The New Year

So, the New Year has come into my little world. I have so much hopes. I hope 2013 will be much better than the last year. Last year was probably one of the worst years I've ever had. Lots of awful things happened to me and I don't want to talk about that - I just don't feel like it.

I don't know why, but to me the New Year has always been a celebration, the moment filled with high hopes and expectations. So many people hope that newly started year will bring love, happiness, success in career - so many hopes put in one day. Perhaps I'm just over-philosophizing things. As usual.

And I'd like to apologize for the bokeh photos. I got a bit carried away taking photos of Christmas lights in my room.

Oh, and happy New Year to you all!x

What's Going On In My Little Bubble

Hello there!

Here's another post about my silly nonsensical blurbs.

So, now I'm on a week number two where I sit at home basically doing nothing because my doctor didn't allow me to go to school due to my bronchitis.

So, a good thing about that is my four-week long Christmas holiday! Even though I'll have to take tests I've missed, but in the meantime I'll enjoy my spare time as much as I can without caring about those bloody tests. I know it's stupid and I should plan ahead, but let's face it – we all do the same.

Next week will be Christmas time and I still haven't fully packed my presents, so I hope tomorrow I'll fix that.

I don't actually know what to say more. I had so many topics to talk about but I forgot them all.

Anyways, now I'm going to watch some random concert by one of the bands I adore. Still haven't decided which one yet.

Take care!

Fuzz

Shake The Stars Down

As you (probably) knew, the Orionid meteor shower was seen on early hours of last Sunday (October 21st) across the globe. Luckily, the sky was clear and the city lights of my hometown were really dim (as usual), so I was able to watch this cosmic performance in the backyard of my block of flats without any problem. Exactly at 2:30 my sister and I went outside to stargaze.

The view was amazing! 

To be honest, it's been a while since I looked up at the night sky. 

We saw a lot of Orionid meteors, some of them were breathtaking as the tails of the meteors stretched over the whole sky. I was happy I wasn't sleeping that night.

Weirdly, I have a tendency to philosophize about numerous things while watching the night sky. 

For instance, how many people were watching the sky at the same time we did? Why do people look at stars with a hope for better life? How many modern people still remember to look up at the sky? Why the stars are so fascinating and mysterious that after centuries people still admire them?

I have also came with a conclusion that in order to be happy or see the beautiful side of the life, you must have some mental disorder, as I've remembered my neighbour living in a flat next to mine's. She has a problem remembering things, talks about unreal events, and sometimes, I have to introduce myself to her over and over again. Weirdly, I've never seen her sad or frowned; with the smile on her old wrinkled face, she tells me stories from her past and her life, tells me what she likes the most. She rejects the sad side of the world living happily without a worry.

It's paradoxical when you realize that even if we have almost everything we want in this life, we still feel hollow; we forget to smile and jump straight into the claws of daily routines, jobs, duties and other matters of the life, that we eventually forget ourselves and our small needs..
Well, this is my point of view, so feel free to disagree.

So, I've had a lot of thoughts that night. Maybe way too many...

Everything's Ironic, Really!

a picture I took in the stairwell of the block of flats where I live.

Right now my old TV is playing Eurovision songs in the background. And I'm not really fond of it.
I still cannot forget the fact that some prick with childish handwriting carved the word "jedward" on my stairwell's door. And that I have to see it every time I get out of my flat... awful

I've been so messed up that I didn't even notice when my grey hometown became green.
You know, when you're depressed you tend to not see things happening around you. You just... live and basically that's it.

Yesterday I heard in the news that the winner of Lithuania's international golf championship became a thirteen year old kid . Weird, isn't it?  The thing is that Swedish man who was in the lead and who is twice as old as that kid disqualified himself (YES, himself) after he told that he's been practicing illegally at nights in the golf court where the championship took the place. What is more, that kid hardly holds the golf stick, so, my dear golf playing friends, I suggest visiting Lithuania and trying to win this golf championship (Of course, I've got nothing against the kid. I know, in the future he'll be great).

There are only two weeks left until the start of my summer vacation! I cannot bloody wait!

Oh, and I'm still working on my of my own songs' demo tracks which I'll send to universities in the UK. I sometimes think that I tend to overdo things that are really important to me. On this case, I'm trying to make my demos THE best in the world (Quite hard task to do, huh?)

Ok, that's all from me now!
Take care!
S. x

Big jet plane...

Hello world! I'm sorry I've been dead these days but this post won't be all about my apologies.

So, despite my awful insomnia, things are going pretty good.
It's weird but since autumn I've started talking out loud about my real wishes and what I'm planning to do with my life.

And, to be honest, I'm afraid of my future as long as my life's been so slow these past two or three years. I'm afraid that my life will eventually start changing and everything will happen so fast that I'll feel lost. Don't get me wrong, I want my life to change.

This year is going to be very busy because I'll be applying for studies in the UK, taking an English language exam and attending auditions/interviews at the universities. Very busy year!

Anyways, I still have a plenty of things to write about in next posts, and I can ensure you, they will be more interesting than these random blurbs.

take care!x
Fuzz

The best conversation I've had so far

This happened about a month ago. Strange, but the best conversation I've had was with my dad. So, here it is:

My dad walked into my room, looked around and asked:

"So, who do you want to be in your life?"

I was sunned. He NEVER asks things like that.

"Eee... erm..." I mumbled. He was still waiting.

"Musician, no doubt." I said when my amazement was gone.

"Musician you say... Bohemian life... Drugs and alcohol... Are you sure you want to live life like that? These things are not good." Dad tried to be intelligent.

I was like: "Eh? What the heck?!?"

"Dad, music is not all-about getting high on drugs and drinking alcohol all the time. Some musicians do that, some don't. It's as same as this local stereotype that all artists and painters are alcoholics. Have you ever seen drunken art teacher?"

"Drunk art teacher is the worst example..." he said.

"It actually was the best I could think of right now."

"I see..." he said and walked away. I know he wants to be or to look intelligent and understanding in front of us as long as my mother always repeats how foolish he is.

The End.

xxx

Fuzz

Listening to MGMT and dancing like an idiot

yesterday was so odd day, so does this week.
Everything happened when I decided to listen to MGMT's "Electric Feel". I danced like an idiot but I loved that. I love the feeling when I dance with my eyes closed. Then I feel the energy of music.  I just love expressing myself in different ways.
AND I'm so glad nobody saw me. I think, I would have felt very awkward if someone would have seen me dancing. Don't get me wrong, I am not a bad dancer. I was just expressing my feelings and tried to feel the music in different way.


So....


Ooh girl
Shock me like an electric eel
Baby girl
Turn me on with your electric feel